Teresa Discovers the Secrets to Happiness

So you’ve always wanted it all, eh? Fame, fortune, a night in Johnny Depp’s arms… But for most of us, true bliss may be only a hot Krispy Kreme away.

Which is why I’ve decided that you can find the most surefire path to joy simply by lowering your expectations of life. (Or as the apostle Paul said--"I have learned to be content in all things.")

So I decided to set some new parameters for pursuing happiness with these nine simple guidelines:

1) I never want a strange man to walk out of my kitchen with a camera crew and say, “Hi! I’m Chris Hansen from NBC DATELINE’s “TO CATCH A PREDATOR!”

2) I never want Simon Cowell to make me cry in public

3) I never want to shave my head, nor do I want to be photographed while climbing out of a sports car without any underwear on

4) I never want to eat at that Taco Bell in New York City--you know, the one with rats bigger than house cats scampering playfully around the floor with their gorditas

5) I never want to eat any bugs on SURVIVOR or FEAR FACTOR

6) I never want to have an illness so mysterious that only HOUSE can diagnose me

7) I never want someone to lure me onto JERRY SPRINGER by pretending I’m getting a makeover

8) I never want to jog...unless I’m being chased by a bear

9) I never want to eat another rice cake (unless the only alternative is a bug)