We've already answered that eternal question, "When did you first learn the truth about Santa Claus?" so I've got another one for you today--"When did you first learn about the 'mechanics' of sex?" I know your mom is supposed to have "the talk" with you at some point in your life but I'm still waiting. I had to learn about the ancient mystery of love in the 5th grade from the same obnoxious, pre-Goth, know-it-all girl who probably told me about Santa Claus. She gathered her wide-eyed audience around her in the lunchroom and proceeded to tell us all in graphic detail just exactly how the boy puts the baby into the girl. (Well, if you consider "graphic detail" being explained in terms of a hot dog and a bun.)
Needless to say, I was both horrified and disgusted. There was no way I was ever going to let any boy put THAT...THERE. After much soul searching, I decided there was only one option left to me. I would simply have to become a nun and commit myself to a life of celibacy. (I had recently read A NUN'S STORY and had found Sally Field irresistibly perky in THE FLYING NUN.) There was only one problem with that plan. I wasn't Catholic. Back to the drawing board. After more winnowing of my tormented soul, I decided that no boy would ever do something so disgusting to me--except Donny Osmond. Only for my darling Donny would I sacrifice myself to the ultimate degradation!
Fortunately for my future husband (and Donny), I discovered Kathleen Woodiwiss and Johanna Lindsay when I was fifteen and decided I might need to reconsider this whole hot dog/bun thing.
So how did you first learn about the mechanics of love? Health class? Gym class? Some precocious little snot on the playground? Or did your mom actually sit you down and gently explain the miracle of human procreation using anatomically correct terms like "wee-wee" and "Mrs. Muffin"?
And I have to add 2 disclaimers here: 1) We don't need to hear how you actually experienced the mechanics of love for the first time. This isn't THAT kind of blog. 2) If you haven't learned about the mechanics yet, then you're too young to be reading this blog and you need to get off-line before I call your mom
If you don't mind your guys a trifle bit hairy, you've always found a little Alpha male chest thumping to be endearing, and morning breath isn't an issue, the new Kong just may be the guy for you!
The new movie version of KING KONG soars from the breathtaking imagination of director Peter Jackson. The same strengths Jackson showed in LORD OF THE RINGS are in dazzling display here. Although there are enough amazing CGI special effects to satisfy even the most jaded STAR WARS/STAR TREK geek (including me), he's never willing to sacrifice heart and intimacy for spectacle. While KONG is a sprawling rollercoaster thrill ride of a movie--the original KING KONG meets INDIANA JONES meets JURASSIC PARK--it's Naomi Watts luminous portrayal of Ann Darrow that steals our hearts (and Kong's). An incurable romantic at heart, I actually turned to my husband after the movie and said, "I wish they'd have shown more scenes developing their relationship" before remembering that I was talking about a woman and a giant gorilla.
It occurred to me as I watched the movie that this Kong has a lot in common with the heroes of our novels:
1) He adores Ann and finds her antics endlessly amusing.
2) He's so attentive he can recognize her by her smell alone
3) He rejects every other woman once they meet (hurling them out of his path like rag dolls)
3) He's keenly jealous of every other man in her life (hurling them out of his path like rag dolls)
4) He'd do anything to protect her, including sacrifice his own life.
What's not to love?
I'm sure my friends would be utterly shocked that I'd pick Russell Crowe's latest film as my DVD Pick of the Week. I've shown months of restraint by not posting a single Russell Crowe pic since the perp walk pic where Lisa Kleypas and I were seen leading him away in handcuffs to be disciplined for being a bad boy. Oh, wait, that was the NYPD leading him away, wasn't it? (But if you'd like, you can pretend that Lisa and I have had him chained in our dungeon basement ever since then. I know we like to pretend that. Hey, Lisa, isn't it your turn to flog him this week?)
But I digress. CINDERELLA MAN hits DVD on Tuesday December 6th and I highly recommend it! Most people missed it in the theaters because 1) it was an Oscar-contender movie released during the summer blockbuster season and 2) it's set during the Depression and the previews made it look...well...depressing.
Instead, it's a transcendant portrait of one man beating the odds. It's also a tender love story with Renee Zellwegger playing Jim Braddock's devoted wife May. Both Russell and Paul Giamatti (SIDEWAYS, AMERICAN SPLENDOR) give Oscar-worthy performances and the climax was so thrilling that I found myself just as much on the edge of my seat the SECOND time I saw it in the theaters. I know a lot of women don't like boxing films but this one is much more of a ROCKY than a RAGING BULL and it will leave you cheering at the end just like ROCKY did. I strongly recommend this as a DVD buy or a rental and it would make a fabulous Christmas present for that special man (or parent or grandparent) in your life.
I know the pickings were lean this year, but if I had to rank the Top 3 Movies of the Year (I STILL haven't had a chance to see HARRY POTTER yet but am FINALLY going Thursday night!), I would have to rank them as 1) CRASH 2) CINDERELLA MAN 3) PRIDE AND PREJUDICE.
We've already answered that eternal question, "When did you first learn the truth about Santa Claus?" so I've got another one for you today--"When did you first learn about the 'mechanics' of sex?" I know your mom is supposed to have "the talk" with you at some point in your life but I'm still waiting. I had to learn about the ancient mystery of love in the 5th grade from the same obnoxious, pre-Goth, know-it-all girl who probably told me about Santa Claus. She gathered her wide-eyed audience around her in the lunchroom and proceeded to tell us all in graphic detail just exactly how the boy puts the baby into the girl. (Well, if you consider "graphic detail" being explained in terms of a hot dog and a bun.)
